At first, I was ready to be released and given a break from school- and then the quietness of quarantine settled in. This entire year I’ve been in class via Zoom- and so, with this break- I feel like I have become more in tune with experiencing emotions that are passing through.
The other day, I was inspired by two things: this article featuring Solange capturing her and her growth as a woman. She hired a photographer to take relatively- intimate photos- and two, my friend expressing taking photos of self to muse for paintings and reference drawings. I got dressed and pulled out my camera to not only capture myself in a moment, but to use this as an aesthetic for original works.
I deleted Instagram earlier this year- yet still have a desire to show face. So, I feel as though if I blog and write and publish on my own channel, I have more control coupled with a more direct intention.
I think it’s important to be completely honest with self. Internally, you have so many thoughts that out pour and yet, you don’t allow yourself to release them into the real world. Many of us, are stopped up and work to figure out why we feel trapped- we aren’t releasing. 2020 taught me to fully release and be semantically blunt with how I feel and to allow myself to experience feelings and emotions as they came to visit. I feel like I am always trying to analytically categorize things that occur in my life which halts my genuine growth to become better. And so, I trained myself to speak up for self and to honor myself in all aspects. Dejavu presented itself to me and opened doors for me that otherwise wouldn’t have made themselves available had I not been honest. I think for me, my mind is a consistent test that I think I’ve passed just for a curve ball to be thrown: I challenge myself to want and desire better for my psyche.
Material desires flourished this year and many people left behind their mental stabilities to grab and hold onto things and items providing temporary relief from fatigue and lack thereof- many of us worked on ourselves and began to understand that, we are our power sources and that it comes from within.
Enveloped with gratitude, I’m grateful to be an abundant nigga - a Black American with the wherewithal to be steadfast in understanding self and those things around me.
I’ve forgiven myself for years previous to this in which I allowed myself to be manipulated and lacked taking accountability for my actions and inactions. For me to extend gratitude to myself today, I had to turn around and acknowledge all my yesterday’s.
Happy New Year to NIGGAS, and NIGGAS only. Peace to the Gods.
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